11.07.2009

This road

So, enough of the schmoop, for now. Who's in the mood for soul-sucking jobs, subsequent depression and general crazy pants behavior??

Ooooh, I am, I am!!! Well, c'mere...sit down, let's chat a little.

It's been a shitty week. There's no other way to put it. A little background for you:

As many of you know, I'm in an unsatisfactory employment situation. But, as a good friend put it, it has gone from "unsatisfactory" to "toxic". It has become quite clear, that my job is about to undergo a dramatic change. In a recent discussion of our "roles", it was pretty obvious that what I think my job is (and the parts of it I do like) is not that at all.

There's more, but if I go into it all, we'll be here all day.

I'm ambitious...no two ways about it. I know what I'm good at and have been working really hard to get myself to where I want to be. If there's an opportunity for me to meet someone who I can gain insight from, I'm there. I've been really lucky to have support from some great people.

Here's the problem. You know how they say, "it's better to be lucky than good"? Well, what if I'm only lucky...what if I'm really not good? People tell me that PR is where I should be, what I should be doing, but if it's been such a struggle to get there, maybe they're wrong?

Lately I've been feeling like an iron bar is stretched across my chest. I'm being crushed against a wall, trying to escape but I've no way out. How do you free yourself from something when you've got no means to do so?

I'm pretty sure I need a new path, a new journey....but I don't know how to get there. I'm using all the tricks in my bag and still getting nowhere.

All of this wouldn't really be an issue if it were just me. But it's not just me anymore. This stress is taking a toll on me, and I'm starting to take it out on my loved ones.

I feel awful that I'm no longer myself. I feel terrible that there are people who only know this tense, sad, angry part of me.

Sigh.

I wish this could be resolved by me just thinking about it, by formulating a plan. That's what I'm good at. You give me a problem, a few hours (maybe days) and I'll find you a solution. But frankly, I don't want to think about this anymore. I'm sick of ALWAYS thinking of this. I don't want to be held down by this weight anymore. But I don't know what else I can do.

So, ok Universe. You win this round. But I'm a lot tougher than I look. That's fine. You can fuck with me all you want...

I'll just keep coming back until I win.

6 comments:

Laurie said...

Make the universe your bitch, yo.

Marie said...

Maybe step back from all this and try not to think about it as much (even though I know you're confronted with it daily). Don't let it get the best of you and affect the rest of your life because it's just not worth it.

I really hope you find something new soon because you deserve SO much more.

Alice said...

sounds to me like a PERFECT reason to uproot and head to dc, a la JP. new beginnings! fresh starts! nation's capital! yes? :-)

this isn't exactly PR, but it IS an opening at mah office: https://verisign.taleo.net/careersection/1/jobdetail.ftl

M said...

It's really hard when you realize that you have to make a change but you aren't sure where to go next. I'm sure it's especially challenging when what you need to change is your job and the economy is...less than stellar.

BUT. You can do it. A plan is a good start, just keep your eyes open and your ear to the ground and something will present itself. I got my current job cause I played kickball with the boss' daughter! You just never know.

And I met you in the middle of all of this "despair" and consider you one of the sweetest, chipperest people I ever did meet, so don't think you're all doom and gloom all the time ;).

Kim said...

I sooooooooooooo know where you're at. All I can say is that your mind is working things out and it gets exhausting, but it needs to happen. One day you'll find exactly what you're looking for...maybe sooner rather than later.

f.B said...

I so get it.

It's so heavy; so heavy that, sometimes, it's all you can do just to keep your feet under you; that you feel like even if you win that daily battle, all you really did was break even. Well, for me, at least.

I've been doing something really similar to you: just reminding the universe that I have no intentions of throwing in the towel. I think we have to remind it every once in a while.