A Very Special Episode

**DISCLAIMER: If you know me in “real-life” (which, I think this the blogosphere is version of real life, but I digress). Where was I? Oh…yes. If you know me in real life and prefer to keep your current vision/opinion of me, I would skip this and read the archives/read a book/read a different blog (there are some nice ones listed on the side)

Alright chickens, get comfortable. This one’s a two-parter.

Still with me? So, the date. Well, this isn’t really about the date itself. I’ll possibly have a post on it, but it really wasn’t anything outside of a normal date, so we’ll see.

No, this post is about all the neurotic, emotional crap that the date has dredged up. I don’t want to re-hash all the specific thoughts here, because they are fairly irrational and may book me a ticket on the crazy train.

At any rate, I think somewhere, deep in my subconscious I was avoiding dating because I KNEW this was exactly what would happen. I am so overwhelmed with stress about the things that come along “with dating”. I seem to be incapable of dealing with the reasonably straightforward emotions that come along with HAVING A GOOD DATE.

The stressful thoughts that come into my head about what “do I do next” are physically manifesting themselves. I am so uncomfortable I feel like my skin is trying to turn inside out.

Whatever your opinion of normal is, I’m not sure this is it. The thoughts themselves even seem to be secondary. The fact that I am having these thoughts is upsetting the hell out of me.

This is how I got to the opting-out portion of our show. I’m not sure I want to go through this. Yes, it’s natural and it’s what comes “with the territory” but I’m not sure I can handle that. Alternatively, the concept of possibly being alone for the rest of my life terrifies me as well. I feel stuck between a hard place and a hard place. In chatting with Mom, perhaps I’m just one of those people who are not going to end up with someone. I can’t figure out how I feel about either situation.

Strangely enough, I’m not sure it has anything to do with my self-esteem. But the psyche is a funny place…it may have everything or nothing to do with self-esteem.

I understand that everyone is different and there’s no one way to feel or do things etcetera, etcetera. It’s just that this isn’t my first time feeling these things and maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling that I need to change my outlook on what the rest of my life actually looks like.

So, tonight I am seeing The Doc (and I have never looked forward to an appointment the way I have today). I’ll write something after I meet with her. Perhaps we can start to unravel this tangled ball of yarn.


Alice said...

eeenteresting. so are you saying that the stress of wondering how the date went / how things will pan out overshadows the actual dating part?

Dysfunction Junction: said...

Alice: I would say that sums it up quite well. While always thinking ahead has proven to be useful in my professional life, it's showing to be harmful in my personal life. Thoughts? Do you do the same-ish? Perhaps it is not uncommon...

Jamie said...

i never think ahead - at least not more than one week. anything else just sets up impossible expectations/plans.

also? this post was very cryptic, and i'm not sure i'm saying anything useful, but consider this - don't worry about it. if you can continue to operate at a "non-worry" level for the remainder of the relationship, then you're pretty much home free.

Suz said...

VERRRRY interesting. My current relationship, which has so far been by far the most successful of my life (although I was married for most of my 20s), was in which I started out never thinking of the future. I knew D really well, I enjoyed hanging out with him, and I had so recently split with my husband that I had no desire for any kind of commitment. Then, of course, after a couple of years it developed into much more than that. But for those first 2 years or so, I had no expectations and no desires for anything more than the time we spent together and enjoying that.

So, my two cents would be to cultivate non-attachment to any outcome! It's just a waste of energy anyway, because it makes it less likely that you'll get the outcome you want. (as you're seeing)

Just my opinion..

Dysfunction Junction: said...

Jamie & Suz: I know it was cryptic. I think I was trying to NOT raise the crazy level to Defcon 5. I'd like to keep you readers...

It's not so much that I was thinking ahead in the "relationship"; it's that I couldn't stop thinking about all the crap that comes with starting one or being in one and I was just not handling those thoughts very well.

I concur with you on the natural progression of things. It was that the concept of any of it progressing was freaking me out.

Also...I pink puffy heart you guys.