That's a negative ghost rider, the pattern is full.

Hey all...is everyone sick of me posting hockey player photos yet? To be honest, I've been posting them because I don't have anything else to write about. Nothing pithy, poignant or even snarky. Nada. Rien.

My life seems to have turned into one big holding pattern.

My work life is still massively unfulfilling and I've pretty much turned on the auto-pilot. I'm coasting. Unfortunately, I do not have the 8 hours a day "experts" recommend you devote to a job search. I am only able to search and apply when I get home (or on the weekends). I've networked the heck out of any and all connections. And yet, despite my very best efforts, I haven't even interviewed for anything in my over a year of searching.

My dating life, while "exciting" for about a day, has returned to status quo.

I am going on a much anticipated vacation next week, but even that seems like a blip on a horizon that seems to have no end. *Much love to my D.C. ladies: I promise to be in a much better mood when I arrive*

I can't see where any of this will change and that exhausts, terrifies and stuns me. Knowing the way that my life operates, I'm sure that when it does change (eventually it has to, RIGHT???!!!) everything will change at once. I'll figure out a way to cope with that when it happens; but right now, I just want something (anything) to change.

In the meantime, I'll grit my teeth like I always do and hang on. That's the only thing I know how to do anyways.

That and I guess I'll keep buying shoes.

You have to be kidding me...

How the hell do I keep managing to miss these things???

I mean, I'm neither here nor there on the Cubs & Sox (grew up on the "North Side" but parents are Southsiders) but great googly moogly, look at him!! All suntanned and smiley?

My ovaries hurt. I'll be back soon, just give me a minute alone with this picture.

Assorted Goodies

So, nothing much really happened this weekend worth writing about. Other than me telling my Grandfather to shut his trap and nearly smacking him upside the head. But, honestly? That's pretty par for the course in my fam.

Just in case any of you were sad that I haven't talked about hockey in the past few weeks...this post is for you (mostly me, but a little bit you)

I've been waiting for this to get posted and it bodes well for next season...WOOT!

While waiting for something interesting to happen, here's a short poll. Now that I'm done with school (I'm certified in Integrated Marketing ya'll!) what should I do with all this damn spare time?

It's the eye of the tiger

...it's the cream of the fight.

So, after the SUPREMELY uplifting last posts, it's time for something completely different.

In a little more than two weeks I will be going on vacay. I'm super excited because not only will this be my first time off work since March; but, I will be getting to meet some kickass ladies.

As I am staying in a swanky hotel with a rooftop pool & bar, I imagine that this is what Alice, LiLu, Cavy and myself will look like:

(sorry guys, this was the best SATC Mexico photo I could find)

Girls: can I pleeease be Miranda? I've got the cynical thing on lock.

Why the Eye of the Tiger line you ask? Because, loyal readers, Miss DJ is a bit of a lightweight when it comes to the boozin, and I simply cannot have my new friends thinking I cannot hang and only tweet about, well...non-partying things.

Episode One: Part Two

First off: thank you to my commenters. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your points of view. Here's hoping none of you wise up and start billing me; cause I canNOT afford to pay you guys and The Doc. Perhaps you will accept payment in baked goods?

So, since I know some of you are paying attention, here's a brief rundown of what happened at The Doc's. I apologize if this is also a bit vague and annotated, but trust me; you don't want all the gooey details.

At the risk of sounding like an advertisement, the type of therapy I do is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or CBT. As a child of divorce, I had spent 15 years in & out of therapy. Finally I got sick of talking about my parents and how the divorce affected me blah blah zzzzzzzz.....So, one day I figured out that the only thing I could change was myself and my behavior and there you have it.

Part of CBT is something called a Thought Record. Trust me when I say, they suck and I'm not known for enthusiastically taking part in them.

However, by Monday evening my thoughts had started to race and I was freaking out. So, I Googled Thought Record and did my own on the train.

When I met with The Doc, here's how I relayed the story:

"And I was so friggin upset, look what I did? I did a motherfucking thought record all on my own. THAT'S how upset I was!!!" (try to visualize me holding up a piece of notebook paper & shaking it wildly).

And The Doc's response? Cracking up and nearly falling over. And my mother's response to the story of the story? Snorting and laughing so hard she almost hung up on me.

Soooo lesson #1: one woman's mental anguish is another woman's comedy.

The remainder of the session was spent systematically breaking down the thoughts I have and determining their origin and how to combat them with Alternative Thoughts. Basically, if you have a "hot thought" what is the evidence for and against that thought? How can they be combined to create a more balanced thought?

The good news is: the thoughts that I am having about this situation are very similar to other thoughts I have about other situations. I'm not known for thinking in grey areas, and it's been something I've been working on.

At any rate, I'm feeling much better and I'm working hard to continue thinking my balanced thoughts.

Also determined in session? That in the "jungle" of dating, most people enjoy the thrill of the chase. I am however, "the fat lazy wildebeest in the shade" (code for: no, I do not like the unexpected and adrenaline is overrated).

Thanks again for listening...

A Very Special Episode

**DISCLAIMER: If you know me in “real-life” (which, I think this the blogosphere is version of real life, but I digress). Where was I? Oh…yes. If you know me in real life and prefer to keep your current vision/opinion of me, I would skip this and read the archives/read a book/read a different blog (there are some nice ones listed on the side)

Alright chickens, get comfortable. This one’s a two-parter.

Still with me? So, the date. Well, this isn’t really about the date itself. I’ll possibly have a post on it, but it really wasn’t anything outside of a normal date, so we’ll see.

No, this post is about all the neurotic, emotional crap that the date has dredged up. I don’t want to re-hash all the specific thoughts here, because they are fairly irrational and may book me a ticket on the crazy train.

At any rate, I think somewhere, deep in my subconscious I was avoiding dating because I KNEW this was exactly what would happen. I am so overwhelmed with stress about the things that come along “with dating”. I seem to be incapable of dealing with the reasonably straightforward emotions that come along with HAVING A GOOD DATE.

The stressful thoughts that come into my head about what “do I do next” are physically manifesting themselves. I am so uncomfortable I feel like my skin is trying to turn inside out.

Whatever your opinion of normal is, I’m not sure this is it. The thoughts themselves even seem to be secondary. The fact that I am having these thoughts is upsetting the hell out of me.

This is how I got to the opting-out portion of our show. I’m not sure I want to go through this. Yes, it’s natural and it’s what comes “with the territory” but I’m not sure I can handle that. Alternatively, the concept of possibly being alone for the rest of my life terrifies me as well. I feel stuck between a hard place and a hard place. In chatting with Mom, perhaps I’m just one of those people who are not going to end up with someone. I can’t figure out how I feel about either situation.

Strangely enough, I’m not sure it has anything to do with my self-esteem. But the psyche is a funny place…it may have everything or nothing to do with self-esteem.

I understand that everyone is different and there’s no one way to feel or do things etcetera, etcetera. It’s just that this isn’t my first time feeling these things and maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling that I need to change my outlook on what the rest of my life actually looks like.

So, tonight I am seeing The Doc (and I have never looked forward to an appointment the way I have today). I’ll write something after I meet with her. Perhaps we can start to unravel this tangled ball of yarn.

The End is Nigh!

My hair is washed & straightened. The legs are shaven. That sound you hear? Those distant hoof beats? Why that's nothing. Just the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Yes, blogosphere, the Rapture is upon us.

I have a date.

I'm leaving it at that for the time being. Frankly, I don't need any more jinxes than are already upon my head.

However! Please feel free to leave tips and/or positive thoughts. (Yes I need tips. I'm not particularly good at this part of life and I haven't been on one in while)

I told you I'd be back when it was good.

I know. I know. I promised.

Aren't they cute??? Pinch their recently shaved cheeks and let's amuse them with our flirtations. It's likely the first time they've been able to focus on girls since September.




Alright...I promise, in the meantime I'll come up with a real cracker-jack!!